Dirty

I have to admit that I'm a little bit of a clean freak. Not as much anymore as when I was younger, but I still don't like to get that dirty. My parents love to tell stories about how their little boy would get his hands dirty eating dinner or playing outside and completely freak out until someone came to the rescue with a towel or a wet nap. I don't find their stories as amusing as everyone else, partly because they are about me. Wouldn't you freak out too if you were three years old and suddenly your hands were covered in dirt? Maybe it's not normal, but it's me.
So now I'm a lot older, a little more mature, and I still don't like to get that dirty. Problem is, I have a job that requires it on a daily basis. Sure, I've seen the shops in the magazines with their hardwood floors and hardwood benches that look like you would enjoy eating off them. I've been to bigger cities and seen them in person. I'd like to walk in to a place like that with the Huffy that's been in the barn for about 5 years, completely covered in dust and cobwebs. Or the Magna with dog shit on the pedals because the kid thought that it made a good scraper for his shoes. Or just about any mountain bike after a hard, soggy ride in deep midwest loam. I have a feeling they would tell me to get the fuck out of their shop- and don't track dirt on the way out.
That's not my reality, although I've often thought that the shop should at least have a separate cleaning charge for extra dirty bikes. Instead, we charge the same six dollars to change a tube in a tire covered in mud and thorns as we do to change a completely pristine one. We charge the same forty dollars to tune up a clean road bike as we do for one I have to spend fifteen minutes just chiseling mud out of the brake calipers and front derailleur. My point is this: Is it fair for customers to bring in bikes that are extremely dirty to have service performed? The dirty bike takes more time to work on, more time to clean up after, and more supplies (cleaner, rags, degreaser) to get the bike operational.
Of course, I know the answer to that question.
So what can be done? I have tossed around the idea of installing a pressure washer outside the shop, but that costs money, and to justify the expense, prices would need to go up. I also don't know exactly what the logistics of using the pressure washer would be, but I'm sure the user (most likely me) would be pretty wet and outside the shop for a certain amount of time, unable to assist customers when they come in. So basically, I would need a pressure washer and a lackey to run it, or someone to cover me while I run it.
Another solution would be to just turn away dirty bikes: Since dirty bikes comprise approximately 98% of our repairs, I don't think that's really a solution, though. (But I would like to see the look on the customers faces when I tell them in my best fake British accent "So sorry, but your bicycle is much too dirty for me to touch, Thank You".)
The best thing people could do would be to clean their own bikes before they bring them in. They really should be cleaning them on a regular basis anyway, and not just because the bike looks better. It really will perform better if it is kept clean. I get asked all the time about the proper way to clean a bike, but it's just so simple: Get a hose and get off the big stuff. Next, grab a sponge or rag and get off all the stuff that is still stuck on. Grab a rag you don't need anymore and degrease the drivetrain. Lube it back up when you're done, wiping the sideplates clean. Use a clean rag and the polish of your choice to shine and protect the frame. Bingo! You're done! As a bonus, you get to run your hands over every part of your bike and visually inspect parts for anything out of the ordinary. And if you notice anything you can't handle on your own, you can bring your newly cleaned bike to your local mechanic, and he will be so astonished that you cleaned your bike first that he may even forget to charge you full price for the repair.
Yeah, we both know neither of those things is going to happen. So bring me your dirty, disgusting bicycle, and I'll try my best not to freak out.